Forever

For weeks, I have been struggling to remember that I am not just preparing for 1 trip, 1 first meeting, 1 first hug and kiss (if she will let me) 1 set of gotcha day photos taken, etc.

I am finding it easy to compare to the preparations of a wedding. There is a lot of prep, a lot of waiting and then... THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. I still remember the moment (once we took off on a plane for our honeymoon), I realized I should have been more focused on my soon-to-be-marriage than my fleeting 6 hour wedding day. Not b/c something bad had happened, but because I had lost all sense of perspective.

This feels very similar.

Awhile ago, I complained to a friend that I felt I was always praying the same things for Sugar Plum... that she would be feed, kept safe, be healthy and loved, etc. And while all those are good and necessary for my mama instincts, she basically told me to be praying about the rest of our life together ;)

So when I look at her new pictures, I am struck by the reality that I DO NOT know this little girl. I had memorized her in the original pictures and apparently convinced myself that I knew her. Well, yesterday was a stark reminder that I do not. And while Owen reminded me that I didn't know him before he was born, I still can't shake the new found fear.

I don't know why this is suddenly hitting me. Perhaps it's because we are getting closer? Perhaps it's because our family's picture ironed onto a blanket is in the hands of a precious child in China?

Perhaps it's because we are welcoming a complete stranger into our lives forever!

I can look at her pictures and search intently for all the "good" I can see. It looks clean, she looks well, she is smiling. For all I know she was placed in the best spot in the orphanage for these pictures.

I have been haunted by some photos recently taken by families there now who are receiving their children. As much as I would like to think these places are ok. Growing up in an institution without a family is not ok.

I am terrified about what it will feel like to leave all the other children behind. How can I possibly only bring 1 home? Will this haunt me for the rest of my life? I suppose, I hope it does. Because 1 less, is NOT enough.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

For great is his love toward us,
and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever.

Praise the Lord. Psalm 117:2

My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

I am forever His. May this change who I am, forever.

Written by Ali Fogarty, group member, in process of adopting from China