Broken World

Ever since last Sunday, my mind has been churning. Orphan Sunday and life have done a doozy on my heart this week. I've been thinking and thinking. Torn between trying to process and wanting to stuff my thoughts down. It didn't help that Darin was away most of the week on business so I didn't have a processing partner.  Or someone to talk good sense into me when I was up too late scouring orphan care websites and blogs!

Up until about 4 years ago, I don't think I ever thought about the orphan. How sad is that? Perhaps I was too busy thinking about myself. Then God put it on my radar front and center. I learned more. I read more. I listened and thought I had it figured out.

Until I stepped foot into Irina's orphanage in Ukraine and my eyes were opened in new ways. The faces of the children who ran after us begging for candy will forever be etched in my brain. The names Katya, Anya, Stas, little Irina, Luba, Sasha, Lena, Vika and Aloyna are uttered in regular prayers. I can still smell the sweet little girl with cross eyed blue eyes that I had the privilege to hold and pray over.  She was wearing a blue fuzzy sleeper and couldn't bend her body. She had severe disabilities due to alcohol abuse in utero. I think this brokenness grieves my heavenly Father. It wasn't meant to be this way.

As we near the one year mark of adopting Irina, I can't help but look back. Irina is amazing and she has come a long way. She has had a lot of hurdles to leap over as she has learned for the first time how to be in a loving family. She is discovering that we are worthy of her trust and that we will care for all her physical needs. For 10 years she survived. Now she is realizing that she can LIVE.

However, as I consider her future I've found myself grappling with a new emotion. I feel angry. Without the brokenness of this world, Irina would be in a loving family with her birth parents in her homeland. She would have been fed, clothed, and CHERISHED. She would not have been abandoned. Isn't that how God really intended families to be? I don't doubt for one minute that God knew we would have the opportunity to step in and show Irina real love, BUT she still has so much more to face as she overcomes the wounds of her past. It's not fair.

A new compassion is being uncovered in my heart for my daughter. A new compassion is being uncovered in my heart for the orphan. The reality is that Irina has new opportunities that MANY other orphans will NEVER have, especially the older kids and the kids with disabilities. How can I dare complain? How can I take even a moment for granted? I long for heaven.

Oh Lord Jesus, keep my heart soft for ALL your children. Come quickly, Lord Jesus, come.

By Jill Smith, group member, adoptive mom