Surviving Your Home Study

The thought of an adoption Home Study can conjure up all kinds of emotions.  For some it is excitement about another phase of the adoption process, yet to some it brings up hesitancy and concern.  Will the Social Worker like our family?  Is my house clean enough?  Will they find some deep, dark secret about us?  Will we be approved?  Having lived through the Home Study process, our family can honestly say it was one of the more enjoyable and therapeutic phases of our three-year adoption process.

We were initially in the camp of hesitancy and concern.  How was I going to make my home look like June and Ward Cleaver’s?  I thought it needed to look perfect, peaceful, and immaculate.  That was impossible.  At the time we were pursuing a China adoption and we had biological children ages 7, 9, 10, and 12 years.   We were told that we needed three home visits before the adoption and two after we brought our adopted child home.   How were we going to create perfection in our home five times?  I soon found out that my perception of the home study was wrong.

 Before our initial visit with our Social Worker, I sat my four children down and explained that she would want to talk to them and get their perspective on adopting a brother or sister.  She may ask questions or get their opinion about our family.  At that time my three oldest children were somewhat quiet.  So I did what any “good” mother would do and told them I would give them a treat if they conversed with the Social Worker.  My plan worked beautifully for the older three.  However, I had not factored in the personality of my fourth child, who naturally was talkative. 

The day of our first Home Study visit arrived.  The house was perfectly clean -  this took about three days to accomplish.  Our Social Worker was a lovely woman who immediately calmed our fears and anxieties. We gave her a tour of the house and showed her where our adoptive daughter would sleep.  She sat us down and went over all our paperwork, asked financial, medical, education, and family questions.  At this point my fourth child remembered the reward for talking.  I am not sure he stopped talking for the remainder of her visit.  He relayed every family secret we have.  He told her that his oldest brother (John) did not want a sister that didn’t look like him; that the neighbor toddler had just killed all of John’s fish and he was sick of little kids; that when he was three we lost him and he was wondering our property with no shirt or shoes; that the neighbor found him and returned him home; etc.  We were sinking further and further into the couch.  There was no way to turn him off.  It was an interesting discussion, but an honest one that allowed the Social Worker to really see our family.  Although not scripted, our youngest child was the first family member to open and expose our family for what it was – a home full of love and laughter, but imperfect in many ways.  That was a tipping point in our relationship with the Social Worker.  We could all exhale.  The Lord knew that is what we needed.

The Social Worker had a genuine interest in our family.  She laughed and smiled frequently and took a few notes.   We realized that she was actually for our adoption and wanted the process to run as smoothly as possible.  She was our advocate and supporter.  

On her subsequent visits she reviewed safety issues with us (fire alarms, locked gun cases, fire place gates, etc).  She talked individually with my husband, our twelve year old, and me.  She instantly put us at ease and was therapeutic in discussing the adoption with all of us.  She often played the role of counselor and we quickly realized she had a depth of knowledge regarding adoption and the emotions that inevitably come into the process.  We actually looked forward to her visits!  It was a great joy for us to introduce our Social Worker to our adopted daughter knowing that she played an integral role in bringing this new member into our family. 

Our five Home Study visits turned into six as our wait for our child was extended due to the flow of China adoptions.  We came to love our Social Worker and look at the process in a different light.  Her job was to educate and support us, not to be critical and judgmental.   She never checked under the beds or looked at the dust on my ceiling fans.  I think she realized that perfection is not what makes a good family – thank goodness.  We will keep in touch with her forever.  She became part of our family during the long adoption process and gave us advice, hope, and care along the way. 

I came to realize that the Home Study process is something to look forward to, not to be feared!  Enjoy your time with the Social Worker, tap into their knowledge, be yourself, and remember, she is rallying for your adoption to be successful and smooth.

By Kim Eagle, group member, adoptive mom